Adoree Durayappah

Sadly there is no surgeon general warning that comes with rejection. So, we must conduct our own exploration into the major effects of rejection that are most inimical to our psychological and physical health. First, we see that rejection can lead to the reduction of hope and the reluctance to take risks.

Psychological studies have proven this outcome. This phenomenon is known in the scientific community as learned helplessness. Psychologist Martin Seligman and Steve Maier discovered during a series of experiments that dogs who had previously “learned” that nothing they did had any effect on preventing shocks when placed in a new situation, where they could have easily escaped the shock, simply lay down passively and whined. Learned helplessness refers to the condition in which animals or human beings learn to behave helplessly, viewing their actions as producing no effective result even when attempting to avoid an unpleasant or harmful situation.

After facing rejection, individuals often feel as if their actions fail to produce any desired effect. As a result, individuals can lose hope that the situation can be improved at all. And, just as the dogs in the experiment, what do we tend to do after a strong blow of rejection? We lie down passively and whine. We complain about how we were wronged saying that the world hates us and that the outcome is completely unfair. But, do we try and take action? No. Rather, we stay in that fetal position and continue to sing our song of sorrows and think why try if there is no point.

We are such diligent students of learned helplessness that we can even learn vicariously. By observing others encountering uncontrollable events, we too can become helpless and passive. Rejection is so strong that even the mere presence of it around us makes as run home to our mommies, worried that if he just beat up Timmy, who knows what he will do when he gets a hold of us. The result: we give up on our goals because we are so preoccupied with failing.

In general humans aren’t good with dealing with loss. We tend to view loss as much more significant than gain. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize for his work in Prospect Theory. Prospect Theory describes how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk. The model discusses how people realistically decide rather than evidencing how one should make the most optimal decision. Using empirical evidence as the base, the theory describes how individuals evaluate potential losses and gains.

Individuals view the pain of losing $50 as much stronger than the joy of receiving $50. Thus, we tend to be loss averse and will be motivated to avoid risks that involve losing rather than take risks involved in the potential for gains.

Now that we can give the scientific explanation of why rejection sucks and can sound smarter at cocktail parties, in the next post we will explore how rejection impairs us not only in the moment but also in the long-term.

As human beings, we are extremely sensitive to rejection, especially forms of social rejection. We have a strong motivation to seek approval and acceptance.

If we take an anthropological perspective, we can see how back in the day-I’m talking about back in the 10,000 BC day-you knew that if you were on your own, your chance of survival was nil. You needed your tribe for food, shelter, and protection.

Being rejected from others meant imminent death. Evolutionarily speaking, we are hardwired to form social relationships and strongly motivated to feel liked and feel like we belong.

Do you remember when I made you slap your face (refer to previous post)? Let’s return to that moment to continue the discussion of what it feels like to be rejected. Okay, you have just received the swift blow of rejection knocking you off guard and what happens? First, you are stunned, disoriented from the blow. You feel weak and helpless. Your body begins to shut down, as you lay there paralyzed from the injury. You might think that I am being overly dramatic, but this is what happens biologically when your body responds to rejection.

Scientists from the University of Amsterdam found that unexpected social rejection is associated with a significant response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Let’s take a quick time-out to discuss just what the heck is the parasympathetic nervous system. When the body is active, generally in fight or flight mode, the sympathetic system engages, heart rate quickens, pupils dilate, energy is directed towards allowing the body to react quickly. However, the parasympathetic system is responsible for when the body is at rest.

Remember how we discussed speaking of rejection in passive voice: “I was rejected”? Well, studies have found that after rejection not only do we think passively, but also we act passively. When faced with unexpected social rejection, research has found that “feeling that you are not liked” results in our heart rate actually slowing down, an activity of the parasympathetic nervous system. Thus, feeling rejected results in you reacting both psychologically and physically. It is interesting to mention that in this study participants’ heart rates fell not only when they heard a person’s unfavorable opinion of them but also in anticipation of hearing a person’s opinion. If told that the person’s opinion of him or her was unfavorable, the individual’s heart rate plummeted even further and took longer to return to baseline. Additionally, heart rates slowed even more when individuals expected a positive opinion but received a negative one. This explains how rejection, especially the kind that blindsides you, literally feels heartbreaking.

Raise your hand if you have never heard any of the following lines in one form or another:

• Let’s be friends.
• Unfortunately, we don’t have a position that meets your unique qualifications at this time.
• We regret to inform you that we cannot grant you acceptance to X University.
• You are very talented, and I expect you to do great things…elsewhere.

If you’ve finished reading this list and your hand is raised, please bring it down to face level. Cup your hand to your cheek. Pull it back three to five inches and traveling at an increased velocity slap yourself firmly in the face. Why? If you haven’t experienced rejection, this exercise serves as a simulation of what rejection feels like. Actually, a slap in the face is much more pleasant than rejection. Rejection is more of a swift punch to the solar plexus. But since punching oneself in the solar plexus requires dexterity and the knowledge of the location of your solar plexus, for demonstration purposes you must forgive me for choosing the former.

However, chances are you didn’t raise your hand. I’m willing to bet that if you are reading this article, you are all-too-familiar with that uninvited houseguest. Say hello to your good buddy, Rejection.

Now, what you probably already know about rejection is that he isn’t too shy about showing up at the most inappropriate places and at the most inopportune times.

In fact, some common situations where he loves to drop by include when you are:

• Deeply in love
• Chasing your dreams
• Job hunting
• Starting a new venture
• Pursing your personal projects
• Applying and auditioning

And, God knows this list is not exhaustive. Just when you have filed the restraining order and unlisted your phone number guess who managed to find you? That’s right: Rejection.

Your Old Nemesis: Rejection

Do you remember when you first met that meddlesome stranger? I remember the first time I shook his cold, clammy hand. I can still feel the sweat on my palm. It was summer camp; I was seven. We had to swim across the pool “freestyle” in order to earn a green plastic necklace announcing our admission into the coveted deep end. I thought “freestyle” meant we were free to pick any style we wanted. This is America after all! The style I picked was swimming at the bottom of the pool and not coming up for air. I did not earn the attractive green necklace. Instead, I sported a red one the entire duration of camp. I entered a “highly exclusive” group of non deep-end-goers made up of only two girls, a girl from Honduras and myself. Because she didn’t speak any English, we couldn’t even commiserate about our exclusion.

You probably remember your first encounter with rejection: being picked last in gym class or not getting into the advanced reading or math class in elementary school. Perhaps it came at home or on the playground.

Since a young age we have been tormented by rejection. We have seen rejection crop up at school, at work, in relationships, and in the pursuit of our dreams. Over the years, we have been rejected by significant others, from teams, from programs, from projects, from companies, from roles, from organizations, and from institutions.

Logic would suggest that if we have been confronting rejection since a young age on numerous occasions, over the years we should be experts at getting over rejection by now. We all know this isn’t the case.

Why Does Rejection Hurt Us So Badly?

The honest truth is that rejection sucks. Rejection hurts now and will in the future. (Good on you rejection for at least being consistent.)

The purpose of this article is to build our awareness about why rejection hurts so badly, and why even after years of exposure we are not immune to its pernicious effects. In this article we examine rejection psychologically and evolutionarily, to discover what is happening to us neurologically when we feel rejected and why anthropologically speaking, we are hardwired to fear rejection.

Rejection comes from Latin, meaning thrown back. When we are rejected, we feel not only halted but pushed back in the opposite direction of which we were headed. Now consider this, when rejected, how do we describe the event? We tend to say, “I was rejected.” Notice what is going on here. We are using passive voice. This indicates how we feel about the part we play in rejection. We view ourselves as passive, as being the victim of an action, as inactive, as nonparticipative.

If asked to rate your driving skills compared to the driving skills of others, would you say you are in the top 50% or bottom 50%?

Most likely you would say the top 50%. In fact, the classic study in 1981 by Swenson revealed that in the US sample 93% of participants placed themselves in the top 50% (above the median).

This inflated evaluation of our abilities transpires not only in driving assessment but in evaluations of intelligence, personality, and health as well.

Self-evaluations tend to be flawed, specifically towards the positive. Let’s face it; very often we think that we are better than we actually are.

But don’t worry. Everyone does it.

This bias is known as the “above-average” effect. When comparing the self to other people, research has shown that self-evaluations are predictably more positive than warranted by external standard.

A recent study published in the journal NeuroImage explains the role of the frontal lobe in these glowing self-evaluations. The study’s findings indicate that the less activity there is in the frontal lobe, the more likely we are to see ourselves through rose-colored glasses.

In the first study, researchers Jennifer Beer and Brent Hughes of the University of Texas at Austin scanned the brains of 20 participants while they answered questions about how they compared to their peers on positive traits (e.g. tact, modesty, likability, and maturity) and negative traits (e.g. materialism, messiness, unreliability and narrow-mindedness).

The results indicated that above-average evaluations were negatively correlated with activation in the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) and, to a lesser extent, the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC).

Orbitofrontal Cortex

This means that the more participants viewed themselves as more desirable than others, the less they used their OFC and dACC.

These findings make sense considering that OFC damage impairs the ability to reason about social behavior. Patients with OFC damage tend to judge their social behavior more favorably “in the moment” when compared to other people’s perceptions of their behavior.

In the second study, the researchers investigated mental load on positive self-evaluations. Subjects that were required to answer quickly (mental load) saw themselves in far more of a positive light than those that had unlimited time to answer (no mental load).

This finding suggests that frontal lobe activation permits one to deliberately process the information to arrive at a more accurate assessment.

If self-serving evaluations are based on heuristics (quick assessments), then perhaps more time to make a judgment allows us to recruit the OFC and dACC since these regions have been known to correct or override heuristic approaches to evaluations.

I should say that I summed up that study better than average!

Um, on second thought, perhaps I should take a second and let my orbitofrontal cortex and dorsal anterior cingulate cortex weigh in on the judgment.

References:
Beer, J. S. and Hughes, B. L. (2009). Neural systems of social comparison and the ” above-average” effect. NeuroImage.

Swenson, O. (1981) “Are we all less risky and more skillful than our fellow drivers?” Acta Psychologica, Volume 47, Issue 2, February 1981, Pages 143-148

Ever noticed how there are basically two types of smiles: a genuine smile and a fake one?

This distinction has been of interest to researchers for quite sometime now. In fact, the genuine smile has a name. It’s called the “Duchenne smile,” named after the French physician Guillaume Duchenne, who studied the physiology of facial expressions in the nineteenth century.

The Duchenne smile involves both voluntary and involuntary contraction from two muscles: the zygomatic major (raising the corners of the mouth) and the orbicularis oculi (raising the cheeks and producing crow’s feet around the eyes).

A fake smile or, as I like to call it, a “Say Cheese” smile involves the contraction of just the zygomatic major since we cannot voluntarily contract the orbicularis oculi muscle.

This is interesting, but why is it so? What’s going on upstairs that creates these two different smiles?

Scientists have discovered that these two types of smiles are actually controlled by two completely different parts of our brain.

When a patient with damage to the motor cortex on the brain’s left hemisphere attempts to smile, the smile is asymmetrical, with the right side of the smile not moving as it should. However, when that same patient spontaneously laughs, the smile is normal with no asymmetry. This means that the genuine smile is controlled by some other part of the brain.

Now, when a patient with damage to the anterior cingulate (part of the limbic system) in the left hemisphere attempts to smile, there is no asymmetry. The smile is normal. However, when that same patient tries to smile spontaneously, the asymmetry appears.

Limbic System

Thus, the Say Cheese smile is controlled by the motor cortex while emotion-related movements, like the Duchenne smile, is controlled by the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain).

But, does it truly matter if your smile is contrived or authentic?

Apparently, it matters a great deal to your life satisfaction and quality of marriage.

Researchers Dacher Keltner and LeeAnne Harker from the University of California, Berkeley analyzed the smiles in 141 photos from the 1960 Mills College yearbook. They divided the photos by Duchenne smiles, Say Cheese smiles, and the non-smilers.

The researchers followed up with these women at age 27, 43, and 52 and asked them questions about their life satisfaction and status of their marriage. They found that the Duchenne smile predicted positive outcomes in marriage and well-being up to 30 years later.

So remember, a genuine smile will probably make you happier than you think.

And as for me…

Well, in the words of the brilliant Will Ferrell, who played Buddy in the holiday movie Elf:

I just like to smile! Smiling’s my favorite.

References:
Damasio, A. (2006). Descartes’ Error. Vintage (Rand).

Harker, L. and Keltner, D. (2001). Expressions of positive emotion in women’s college yearbook pictures and their relationship to personality and life outcomes across adulthood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(1):112-124.

Just in time for New Year’s Eve, a study published in the British Journal of Nutrition, reveals that champagne, like red wine, is good for your heart and blood circulation.

The study from the University of Reading finds that drinking champagne in moderation (two glasses a day) has a positive effect on the way blood vessels function reducing the risks of cardiovascular diseases, such as heart disease and stroke.

The beneficial factor in champagne comes from polyphenol, a plant chemical found in red and white grapes. When you drink champagne, polyphenols get absorbed in your blood stream.

Polyphenols slow down the removal of nitric oxide from the blood. High nitric oxide levels in the blood increase blood flow and can decrease blood pressure and blood clotting. Thus, it can possibly reduce the risks of suffering from heart disease and stroke.

I don’t think you need an excuse to break out the bubbly this holiday season. But, if you do, you can count it towards your New Year’s Resolution to stay healthy.

Cheers!

References:

David Vauzour, Emily J. Houseman, Trevor W. George, Giulia Corona1, Roselyne Garnotel, Kim G. Jackson, Christelle Sellier, Philippe Gillery, Orla B. Kennedy, Julie A. Lovegrove and Jeremy P. E. Spencer. Moderate Champagne consumption promotes an acute improvement in acute endothelial-independent vascular function in healthy human volunteers. British Journal of Nutrition, 2009

Has this ever happened to you? You shovel the last bite of your delicious yet oversized meal into your mouth. As you loosen a notch on your belt buckle — wondering why you didn’t wear stretchy pants — the waiter walks by and hands you the dessert menu. You know you are full. You know you should not get the triple-layer chocolate cake. But, you do. And, you eat the whole thing. Then you wonder why you just did that.

New research from the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center suggests that ghrelin, the hormone that your body secretes when you are hungry, might also act on the brain influencing the hedonic aspects of eating behavior. The result being that we continue to eat “pleasurable” foods even when we are full.

Researchers Jeffrey Zigman, Mario Perello, and Michael Lutter suggest that ghrelin increases specific rewarding aspects of eating. Previous studies have linked ghrelin levels with the pleasurable feelings one gets from alcohol and cocaine.

Zigman explains that rewards give us sensory pleasure and motivate us to work to obtain them. Additionally, they facilitate the reorganization of our memory in order to remember how to obtain the rewards.

In order to study the effects of ghrelin on overeating, the researchers conducted two studies with mice. In the first study, the scientists observed whether mice that were satiated preferred a room where they previously found high-fat pellets versus a room that had regular bland food. When the mice were injected with ghrelin, they preferred the room with the fatty food. The mice without the ghrelin administration had no preference.

The researchers suggest that the mice with ghrelin pursue the fatty food because they remember how pleasurable it was. When researchers blocked the action of ghrelin, they found that the mice spent less time in the room that previously contained the high-fat pellets.

In the second study, the researchers measured how long the mice would continue to poke their heads into a hole to receive a pellet of high-fat food. They found that the mice that received ghrelin spent more time poking their heads in the hole, whereas the mice without ghrelin gave up sooner.

So the next time, you reach for the dessert menu, remember that just because your brain is telling you to get the triple-layer chocolate cake, ask yourself if it is really you wanting the cake or just ghrelin making you think that you do.

References:

Mario Perello, Ichiro Sakata, Shari Birnbaum, Jen-Chieh Chuang, Sherri Osborne-Lawrence, Sherry A. Rovinsky, Jakub Woloszyn, Masashi Yanagisawa, Michael Lutter, Jeffrey M. Zigman. Ghrelin Increases the Rewarding Value of High-Fat Diet in an Orexin-Dependent Manner. Biological Psychiatry, 2009.

The Dalai Lama said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” We know that forgiveness and compassion are important for a meaningful, happy life. Yet, it is much easier to understand the importance of forgiveness than to be motivated enough in the heat of the moment to actually practice it. Every once in a while, you hear a story that makes you want to change and gives you the inspiration to practice forgiveness. Recently, I heard such a story:

Six months ago, a man wielding a baseball bat entered the convenience store of Mohammad Sohail of Shirley, New York. “Give me the money” the robber yelled. Mohammad quickly reached for his rifle and pointed it at the robber’s face, forcing the man to drop the bat. (Little did the robber know that Mohammad never loads his gun.)

The robber dropped to his knees and began to cry, pleading with Mohammad saying, “I’m sorry, I have no food. I have no money. My whole family is hungry. Don’t call the police. Don’t shoot me.” When Mohammad saw the man crying, he knew that this was not just a typical robbery.

Mohammad told the man that he would not call the police but to promise never to rob anyone ever again. The man agreed. Mohammad then handed the man $40 and a loaf of bread. Mohammad went to the back of the store to get him some milk, but when he returned the man had fled the store with the $40 and bread.

Mohammad hoped that the man would keep his promise.

About one month ago, Mohammad received an envelope with no return address. Inside he found a $50 bill and a note that read, “At the time I had No money No food on my table No Job, and nothing for my family. I know that it was wrong, but I had know (sic) choice. I needed to feed My family. When You had That gun to my head I was 100% that I was going to die.”

The letter from the would-be robber continued by stating, “Now I have a new child and good job make good money staying out of trouble and taking care of my family. You gave me forty dollars thank you for sparing my life Because of that you change my life.”

“I am very happy that somebody got to change his life,” Mohammad said. “When you do good things for somebody, it comes back to you. I gave him $40 and he sent me back $50. It was a good investment.”

Compassion and forgiveness are investments, which can feel risky at times. But, they are investments that pay off – not just for the recipient of the compassion but for the donor as well.

Michael McCullough, professor of psychology at the University of Miami, and author of Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct, says that in order to understand our human potential for compassion there are three essential truths about revenge and forgiveness we must know:

Truth #1: The Desire for Revenge is a Built-In Feature of Human Nature

We should not be ashamed for wanting revenge at times. The desire for revenge is a human instinct.

McCullough describes the work of evolutionary biologists Martin Daly and Margo Wilson who looked at the desire for revenge in 60 diverse societies all across the globe. They found that 57 of the 60 societies had some reference to blood feuds or capital punishment.

Revenge is a part of our human nature and evolutionarily has helped prevent future aggressors from inflicting harm upon victims.

Truth #2: The Capacity for Forgiveness is a Built-In Feature of Human Nature

While revenge is a human instinct, so is forgiveness. Forgiveness is as equally ubiquitous as is revenge. McCullough describes how in his own research he has found that in the same 60 societies that Daly and Wilson studied, 93% percent of those societies include concepts of forgiveness and reconciliation.

If we have the instinct to desire revenge but also have the capacity to forgive, what motivates us to choose one over the other?

McCullough says that under the right social conditions, we will choose forgiveness over revenge, which leads us to inquire, “what are the right social conditions?”

Truth #3: To Make the World a More Forgiving, Less Vengeful Place, Don’t Try to Change Human Nature-Change the World!

McCullough explains that while revenge and forgiveness are human instincts. They are sensitive to context.

When a society is replete with crime and police enforcement is weak, people tend to use revenge in order to punish aggressors and discourage cheaters. Yet, more forgiveness is shown in societies where there are efficient police and judicial systems and where people depend on cooperative relationships.

Our culture can also shape the rates of forgiveness and revenge. McCullough states that often we learn when revenge and forgiveness is appropriate from our culture.

It is important to remember that we cannot change billions of years of evolution and that revenge and forgiveness are adaptive solutions to a problem.

Although we might feel the desire for revenge as our heartbeat quickens and our blood begins to boil, we must remember that we also have the instinct to forgive. We can choose which type of solution we want to employ. Like Mohammad Sohail, we can choose to use forgiveness and compassion, and experience their rewards.

References:

Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct. Copyright © 2008 by Michael E. McCullough